Dealing with difficult people the right way

Conflict resolution expert Amy Gallo gives her expert advice on getting along with prickly colleagues on a project team.

Even the best structured and executed projects can go terribly wrong if there’s someone on the team who is being difficult. We’ve all seen it happen: one person derails a team’s success by being passive‑aggressive, acting overly pessimistic or prioritising their own career over the goals of the project. Here are several principles from my new book, Getting Along, to help you approach a tricky dynamic more thoughtfully and carefully.

1. Your perspective is just one perspective. Acknowledge that you and your colleague won’t always see eye‑to‑ Ask yourself: what if I’m wrong? What assumptions am I making? Don’t play the blame game; instead focus on finding a path forward.

2. Be aware of your biases. Get to know your biases so you can assess when they’re affecting your interactions or causing you to unfairly interpret your colleague’s actions. Note when you might be falling into affinity bias, gravitating toward people with similar appearances, beliefs and backgrounds. Avoid confirmation bias, the tendency to interpret events or evidence as validation of your existing beliefs.

3. Don’t make it ‘me against them’. Imagine that there are three entities in the conflict: you, your colleague and the dynamic between you. Use positive, collaborative visualisations, such as you and your colleague sitting on the same side of a table, instead of combative ones to improve the odds of turning your unhealthy relationship around.

4. Use empathy to see things differently. Give your colleague the benefit of the doubt, asking yourself: what is the most generous interpretation of their behaviour? Assume that there is some rationale behind their prickly behaviour, even if you don’t agree with it.

5. Identify your goal. Be clear about what your goals are for the relationship. Write them down and refer to them frequently. Watch out for any ulterior motives that might damage your chances of getting along.

6. Come up with two or three tactics to test. Try them out. For example, if you want to improve communication with a passive‑aggressive colleague, you might decide that, for two weeks, you’re going to ignore their tone and focus on the underlying message. Rather than assuming that’s going to fix everything between you, see it as a test and acknowledge that you’ll likely learn something. Then, set up another experiment, refreshing your approaches based on what you learn, and be willing to abandon ones that aren’t working.

Amy Gallo’s new book, Getting Along, was published by HBR Press in September 2022.

THIS ARTICLE IS BROUGHT TO YOU FROM THE AUTUMN 2022 ISSUE OF PROJECT JOURNAL, WHICH IS FREE FOR APM MEMBERS.